All My Bells Are Ringing Tuesday, Nov 30 2010

Hot cocoa with a little more than a splash of Bailey’s added in; Gluttony Day; my random ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ playlist – they feature such amazing artists on that show; driving the roommate’s truck – the heated seats are amazing and I love feeling like a giant on the road; snagging some DVD’s I have been wanting for really cheap; Sparkling Cider; sitting in the passenger seat watching the snow covered trees zip by and relaxing – thanks Dill & Nate for getting me to and from the cabin safely; having people get excited when you walk into a room – thanks for making me feel loved friends; my exceptional memory – you all thought I was crazy for thinking I remembered a random law from a year ago – but I was right; knowing who everybody has for Secret Santa; really stunning pictures – especially when they feature gorgeous animals

James McAvoy; pumpkin pie martinis; shrimp won-tons; bundling up after breakfast and taking a jaunt in the winter wonderland; Thanksgiving dinner with the family – just like it used to be when we were kids; hot spiced wine – delicious – and only the third or fourth alcoholic beverage of that day; getting away for the weekend with some really spectacular friends for company; being slightly insane enough to get up at 4am to do the obligatory Black Friday shopping; three day work weeks; taste testing the hot buttered rum – somebody had to do it; ‘Black Tables’ by Other Lives – I have probably listened to this song twenty or thirty times in the last two days; baking pumpkin rolls and pumpkin loaf – bring on the pumpkin; finding myself some cute new boots for a steal; the mini pan I purchased to cook my eggs in; when the nice scenic snow walking turns into an all out snow battle – slapping snow in your friend’s faces is more fun than it should be; nice guys who help you get your car unstuck from the snowy driveway; having almost every friend that I love in the same place at the same time; coffee – I’m pretty sure that addiction isn’t getting kicked anytime soon

Taking Kristi to Bonelli’s for a birthday lunch – I adore that place – and the birthday girl; having ‘girl chat’ time with KJ & Jasmine in the kitchen while the boys watched football; teaching and playing Pit with a table full of people – and the oodles of yelling and laughing that ensued; snow angels; getting updates from the best friend – she’s the Christina to my Meredith – and I feel so much better after I hear from her; watching ‘Beauty & The Beast’ – he may be a cartoon but he definitely looks better as the Beast; being a gift giving cheater – I love giving gifts to people – even if I didn’t draw them for the Secret Santa exchange; bringing Burt along as my Black Friday buddy – those three hour lines are a little less painful when you have somebody to talk with – and somebody to guard your loot; ridiculous amounts of photos from this weekend and our adventures in the snow; when life gets ironic; spending time with happily married couples that prove to me that someday all this waiting will be worth it; driving down the streets and seeing Christmas lights twinkling everywhere

There was so much to love and be thankful for this Tuesday!

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Dressed To Kill Monday, Nov 29 2010

“A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to take it off of you.”

-Francoise Sagan

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Where Does The Good Go? Monday, Nov 29 2010

Something you have to forgive yourself for

This post might quite possibly be the hardest one for me to write – it ends up taking me down a very emotional road.

I’ve done a lot of things in my life that weren’t exactly smart or practical. I have allowed myself to want things, and people that I cannot have. I have made my fair share of mistakes, and I have said things that I wish I could take back. I have put myself in situations where I have been hurt and on one rare occasion my carelessness led to a situation that still haunts me.

I could have easily chosen one of those many instances, and let myself off easy for this question; but it wouldn’t have been the honest answer.

This summer I lost a friend* – and while I may not have known her for very long – I treasured that friendship.** We quickly bonded over a love for ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ and random text messages. I loved that she was incredibly full of life and could instantly brighten up a room. Her sense of style was impeccable and I felt like I could talk to her about anything. Ridiculous and random, or serious and heartfelt – she made me feel like my opinions and feelings mattered.

Even with all of that said I am not doing her justice.

The loss was shocking, and is still to this day, extremely painful. I have an exceptional memory*** and occasionally I will find myself remembering a random conversation we shared, or something silly that happened in her company. I will see a flash of red hair, a post on her facebook wall, or a piece of jewelery that screams her name – and I am instantly reminded that she is no longer here. Seeing somebody else sitting at her desk at work is almost unbearable,  and every Thursday at Grey’s night I can’t help but notice the empty seat on my couch.

In the short time that I knew her she made every effort possible to invite me to group outings. Random text messages at 11p.m. would appear almost every weekend insisting I come join her, and the rest of her nighttime crew at one of the local evening hangouts. I was living a completely different schedule though – and most of those nights come 11p.m. I was already suited up in my sleeping attire and ready for bed. While I appreciated the invite, I can only remember one or two times I ever took her up on the offer.

I had my reasons at the time, all of which seem completely ridiculous now.

Right after everything happened, I was struck with horrible amounts of guilt. Guilt for never going out with her, despite all of her offers. Guilt for making sleep, alone time, and even self-preservation more important than spending time with a friend. I felt incredibly guilty for bailing on outings at the last minute because I didn’t feel like driving to one of our surrounding cities at night. Most of all though, the unbearable guilt comes from the fact that I was supposed to make it to her house the night before the accident occurred.

I was visiting my parents on a night that I don’t normally head to their house; and I just happened to be running late that evening. On the way back I got a phone call from the best friend, and by the time I arrived home and got off the phone – it was much later than I had been anticipating. I didn’t even send her a text to tell her I wouldn’t be able to make it and that I was sorry. I figured that I would just explain it all the next time I saw her at work.

I never got that chance – and I have been carrying that guilt with me ever since.

Since that moment I have made every effort to make as many group outings as possible. I may not always feel like leaving the comfort of my home after a long week; but I know what that regret feels like – and it isn’t pretty. I keep replaying that mantra in my head – ‘Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do’ – and I can tell you that it doesn’t always take twenty years to figure it out.

Sometimes you wake up one day, you lose somebody important; and you realize that none of the extra sleep, quiet evenings, or sheltered feelings were worth it.

What it all comes down to is the fact that I need to forgive myself for not making the effort. I need to forgive myself for making all of those other things more important. It will not happen overnight – it will be something I will struggle with for a very long time. I don’t believe that I could have changed how things ended up – but I do wish I had made more memories that I could cherish now.

Every night, every memory, and every friendship matters.

Lesson learned.

 

*She was not the only one we lost this summer; but since she was the one I was closer to – this post mostly focuses on her. Both losses were tragic and painful – and I am in no way trying to imply anything to the contrary.

**My friendships are important to me. I don’t consider every person I know a friend. Most people are just acquaintances, co-workers, or people I used to know. Being a friend means something special to me – and it usually means I care very deeply about that person.

***Almost creepily exceptional. I can remember really random facts that people tell me during mundane conversations – so don’t be creeped out if I can remember bizarre things that you tell me.

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Here Comes The Sun Tuesday, Nov 23 2010

When the snow glitters and you feel like your driving through outer space – I can’t be the only who thinks like this; Catchphrase – that game can get you through some pretty intense movie premiere line waiting; mid day Starbucks runs – nothing like getting out of the office for a caffeine kick; snuggling with the ladies on Red’s couch; searching for unique Christmas gifts for the people on my shopping list; pasta nachos – I was a little skeptical but they were heavenly; James McAvoy; giggling with the roommate; KJ – because she’s awesome enough to pose for crazy pictures with me; finally winning a cribbage game and getting to display our awesome trophy on my desk at work; purple ornaments – the Christmas tree is looking pretty amazing; ‘Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows’ – absolutely worth the wait; Black Friday sales ads – let the planning begin; ice cream – always sounds good – even when it’s chilly outside

Kristi’s chicken curry soup – I still really love that soup; Peppermint Mochas; ‘All I Want For Christmas’ by Mariah Carey – my current ‘prepare for the day’ song; the approach of Gluttony Day – no work and an entire day devoted to spending time with family and friends; plugging in my headphones and getting down to some serious cupcake baking business; random phone calls from my Grandpa; getting cards in the mail; rounding up the entire gang and heading out for a nice dinner to celebrate the November Birthdays; Christmas music – it’s never too soon to break them out; the mittens Kristi knitted for me last year – it’s freezing and they are cute and practical; blankets – I am constantly freezing while lounging around the house; Secret Santa exchange name drawing – I love that it instantly makes you all creative and sometimes – stalkerish (how else are you supposed to know what they want?); pictures that entrance me

Laughing – it’s my favorite; bread baskets – especially when the bread is covered in cheese and garlic; quiet nights when I have the house all to myself; Midnight Movie Premieres – there is an energy that cannot be replicated; catching a glimpse of the moon through the falling snow; Red’s super positive attitude – thanks for trying to keep me positive as well; getting pictures via e-mail from the best friend – makes me feel like I’m not so far away; Callie from Grey’s Anatomy – I love that she isn’t the stereotypical woman body type – and yet still manages to seduce McSteamy; Jake Gyllenhaal – I’m stealing this KJ and since you don’t have a ‘TILT’ list of your own – deal with it

Tuesdays = some of that old fashioned happiness!

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You’re So Vain Monday, Nov 22 2010

Something you love about yourself.

In some ways, this question is almost more difficult than choosing the thing that you hate most about yourself. Something about listing my positive attributes seems a little self-centered, and makes me feel slightly ridiculous. Anybody who knows me well knows that I don’t accept compliments well, and that I do struggle with self-confidence. I’m going to chalk that up to many years of being overlooked and under appreciated. At first by my peers, and then even more tragically so, the opposite sex.

I’m starting to think this particular question is a little like the ‘Things I Love Tuesday’ project though – if you think really hard about all the good – eventually you realize that no matter how awful the day went you can still find something to love. So, whether or not the world agrees with my choices – here are the things I love the most about myself*:

1) Mother Hen – I know that sometimes it seems completely overbearing, but I can’t help myself. I’m the kind of person who will make sure you are doing okay on a rough day, and will require a text when you arrive home safely after a long drive. I’ll be honest, I actually did consider listing this as the thing I hate the most about myself. When you care about people you make yourself incredibly vulnerable. Your feelings get hurt, and your heart gets bruised. Often. You spend quite a bit of time thinking that people don’t care about you as much as you care about them. At least I do.

I love that in spite of that – I still make the extra effort – whenever the opportunity arises. I love that I’m not scared to tell people how much they mean to me – even when it seems cheesy or overly emotional. I’m not going to be ashamed to tell you when I miss you, and I sure as hell have no problem leaving a note on your car telling you to have a great night. If I walk into a store and see something that reminds me of you – you will most likely end up with it at some point. It is without a doubt, one of the best things I have to offer.

2) The Cupcake Queen – I love that I am known for my cupcake cooking abilities. I love that even on a really long, stressful day; I can crank up the music and get lost in the kitchen. I know it’s just flour and eggs, but there are moments when I feel like I’m creating something magical. I love that this ability comes effortless to me. Sure, things don’t always turn out perfectly** but I certainly give it a valiant effort every single time I step into that kitchen. I love that people have faith in these abilities – and I love that my cupcakes make people happy!

3) Movie Meltdowns – I will not be ashamed by the fact that I am frequently reduced to tears while watching movies. Whether it be in my own home, or in the theater – at least I know I’m not heartless. Which is what I would consider you if you didn’t shed a tear while watching ‘Up’ or ‘Toy Story 3′ – did I mention I also really love cartoons. No shame readers – cartoons rock!

4) Bat Those Eyelashes – eyes are the window to the soul baby! Dress them up, or dress them down – I really love my eyes. I love the color of them, the shape of them, and that in most pictures – they look incredible. They might need the assistance of corrective lenses – but who doesn’t love the excuse to purchase cute glasses and colored contacts? Plus, you can’t possibly do this list without one physical attribute***

5) Relationship Repertoire – I love that I have lots of really fantastic relationships. I am incredibly close with my family – this is no secret. I love that spending time with them makes me so happy, and that they are always there when I need a little support. I never realized how rare that could be until I grew up and experienced other people’s families.

In addition to them, I have my best friend, and one of the bonds that I love the most. I love that she is still the person I most want to call after a horrendous day. I love that we made a vow to make potential boyfriends send the other person a resume or letter of intent – and I love that we were serious in that vow. I love that even when we haven’t seen each other in months – absolutely nothing about our friendship changes. Most of all, I love that I can be 100% myself with her, and know that she will always be there. No matter what happens.

We can’t always be in the same state, or even country, as our best friend though – and I love that in her absence I have a truly incredible group of people to help fill the void. They are there to help fill the weekend nights, and some of them are even constant companions on the weekdays. They make me smile when I want to cry, and they have made some horrible times, bearable. If I remember only one thing about my early twenties, and this group of friends, it will be laughter, because we don’t make it through a night without some.

Now, I realize that it seems like I just love these people, and it has nothing to do with loving something about myself. This isn’t true – I can’t give them all the credit. After all, I managed to make these friends, and keep close to my family. Clearly I have some sort of wonderful relationship making abilities – and that is what I choose to love. My ability to make  and keep friends; and my ability to make family a priority.

Not that it’s all that difficult – obviously I have proven that I am pretty incredible!****

*Because if I’m going to go ahead and go for it, why would I limit myself to just one thing? Why wouldn’t I give myself a really spectacular confidence boost if I’m already vowing to be a little self-centered?

** I can distinctly remember trying to get a certain Sportswriter’s birthday cupcakes perfect one year and after a somewhat average first attempt I threw them all away and started from scratch. At 11 p.m, after I had been working all day. I almost repeated this crazed maneuver last Friday when I wasn’t positive the marshmallow filling cupcakes were pretty enough. It is this slight perfectionist/OCD trait that keeps me from eating my own cupcakes people.

***Listing impressive amounts of cleavage seemed slightly inappropriate. Honest, but inappropriate.

****I promise to return more humble  and a little less vain in my next post.

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Keep On Loving You Wednesday, Nov 17 2010

Bailey Button Ugg Boots – I am lusting for a pair in candied fig; James McAvoy; getting fancy and wearing a dress on a Friday night; ‘Glee’ – especially Gwyneth Paltrow’s guest appearance; holiday themed coffee creamers – the coffee addiction is getting out of control; getting rid of the cribbage skunk; lying around and watching girly movies that make you laugh and cry; making Christmas wish lists – mine may have included a puppy and a man; finding fun little gifts while shopping; wrapping up birthday presents; the first snow – I’m not a fan – but you can’t deny that it’s absolutely gorgeous

male co-workers who make you feel special and also make you feel like a million bucks – too bad they are both much older and married; my new Christmas tree – so stinkin’ cute; blasting the music while driving around the valley; feeling like I’m living in an upside down snow globe; getting the gang together and heading out for a slightly more sophisticated evening; finger hugs; buying midnight movie premiere tickets; when the roommate decides to bake cookies – I do love taste-testing things I didn’t bake; pumpkin pie – I always forget how much I freakin’ love pie; making reservations for Saturday night dinner with the some of the most amazing people I know; clever pictures found while doing my weekly blog surfing

people who have faith in you; finding quotes I love for the blog – I could spend hours looking at quotes; weekends with no plans; laughing so hard you cry – thank you for that Nate; watching old episodes of ‘Grey’s Anatomy’; the smell of freshly roasted almonds; funky tights – a great way to keep wearing the skirts and keeping warm; friends who make you happy – even after a really crappy week; murder mystery plays; the return of Starbuck’s holiday flavors; reading more ‘Truth Project’ answers – I’m so nosy; text messages of support from little Miss Red; getting slightly tipsy – even if it makes me super chatty – thanks for the drinks pals; quirky socks – so much fun!

Tuesday = a whole lot of love!

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Dress You Up Monday, Nov 15 2010

“Your dresses should be tight enough to show you’re a woman and loose enough to show you’re a lady.”

-Edith Head

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Shot Through The Heart Sunday, Nov 14 2010

Something you have to forgive someone for.

I can still recognize his voice across a crowded movie theater.

There are some songs that I can no longer listen to without my chest tightening painfully.

When I see him randomly in stores my stomach drops, and every bit of confidence evaporates.

And sometimes, when I least expect it, I can remember one night etched perfectly in my mind.

Not because it was significant. In fact, it was quite possibly the most insignificant moment I have ever shared with another person – but I remembered driving home afterwards feeling like nothing would ever be the same again.

I had just graduated high school and was working at a local department store. He was a colleague and we had been paired together to straighten one of the aisles after closing. Why anybody thought it would be a good idea to pair us together is beyond me. It was no secret that we were friendly with each other – taking our breaks together and always in conversation given the opportunity. I have tried so many times since then to remember our first meeting – but it escapes me. It’s almost as if one moment I never knew him, and the next he was the missing piece I had been searching for.

That particular night I started on one side of the aisle, eagerly tackling the napkins, while he started in the opposite direction with paper towels. I can’t recall what we discussed, and I have absolutely no idea why after all these years this is the memory I can’t seem to shake. An insignificant task between co-workers.

Except, I think I fell for him that night.

I have never been eloquent or smooth when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex - consistently tongue-tied and generally a mess when it comes to men. I never felt that way with him. He may have inspired every crush-worthy emotion in the book, but I was never scared to be myself in front of him.

I was sarcastic, honest, goofy, and I revealed more of myself to him than any other boy before him. I loved that he could make me smile when I wanted to throttle the customers, and his love of music was tantalizing. His full attention was mine when we talked, and he always managed to have a surprise for me. Sometimes it was a CD he had made to expand my musical tastes, and other times it was just a hug to make me feel better.

It doesn’t matter now what happened, how it happened, or ultimately who was at fault. Whether I was led on, or just read the signals wrong, the outcome is all the same – my heart got shattered.

So, when I read this prompt, I knew this could be the only answer.

I don’t need to forgive him for breaking my heart. I could have engineered it all in my head. For all I know he never thought of me as anything more than a friendly co-worker*. You can’t be mad at somebody for not liking you back. Okay, so maybe you can, but that’s not even what upsets me anymore. What upsets me most, is what he took away from me.

Before him I had always assumed that I had never had a relationship because I had never revealed my true personality to the guys around me. I had been polite and friendly to the best of my abilities – but I had never revealed all the other wonderful bits I have to offer. This was supposed to be different, and for a really brief moment I thought it was going to be.

For a really long time this incident convinced me that even the “real me” wasn’t good enough. I know that feeling that way wasn’t necessarily his fault, but I have spent a long time blaming him. I need to forgive him for not realizing that I am a wonderful person, and I need to forgive him for not being the one for me. Most of all though, I need to forgive him for making me feel like no man will ever appreciate me and all that I have to offer.

I know now that it isn’t true – but I wasted too many years convinced that it was.

So, I forgive you**…

 

 

*My gut feeling still says that he knew what he was doing. That would be the same gut feeling that tells me he deserves a good punch to the face every time I run into him.

**Jackass***.

***I can say ‘I forgive you’ and still be a little bitter, right?

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Dream Walkin’ Wednesday, Nov 10 2010

“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?”

-Ernest Hemingway

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Wonderful Tonight Tuesday, Nov 9 2010

 Re-reading the seventh Harry Potter book and realizing that it is even better than I had remembered – and I might have cried all over again; plotting out next year’s birthday gifts for the ladies – funky and fun alcholic beverage challenge accepted; friends who would be willing to help you search you house when you freak yourself out; cute old couples all dressed up to go dancing; Oreo Cheesequake Blizzards; when the girlie TV shows get all wonderful and intense; the ’30 Posts of Truth’ project – fun to write and even more fun to read on other blogs; Ruminations.com – always makes me laugh; browsing through pictures of kitchens – yes I’m odd – but just look at how fun!

James McAvoy; Back To The Future marathon weekends; receiving packages in the mail – even if I don’t get to keep what is inside; cheering people up when they are having a rough week; sock shopping; the return of scarves – mixing and matching and pairing them with everything; homemade taco soup – easy and delicious; movies that you have to watch every single time they come on TV- yes I’m talking to you ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ and ‘Step Brothers’; the approach of my favorite month - and three great holidays – four if you count Gluttony Day; the new skunk trophy – although I am still disappointed that it has taken residence on my work desk; impromptu Saturday Night adventures with Red; fry bread – especially when it’s slathered in honey butter; christmas decorations – they are popping up all over the place – and I am in love

Surprise phone calls from the best friend – talking to her makes me feel so much better; the self-esteem boost you get while getting hit on in the bar – it still counts even if they have been drinking; birthday dinners with the ladies – they are an absolute hoot; when friends come and visit me while I am working at the candy shop; flirty skirts – as the temperature lowers they will be hitting hibernation until spring; airplane fare hunting – I am going to find us a good deal if it kills me; finding out who I have for the office Secret Santa exchange – thankfully it’s an easy one this year; coffee – I’ve become an addict; movie trailers – I don’t know why I love them so much; the end of elections; possibilities – you may think you have it all figured out – but you just never do know when a surprise is waiting right around the corner

With so much to love how could you possibly be unhappy on a Tuesday?

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